I turn 30 this week

Despite my nature to observe human behavior, for the past 3 years I’ve been staying away for being emotionally blunt and honest in my writings. I guess I do that to protect myself. But I turn 30 this week, and I think I deserve to write something that is solely written from my chamber of feelings.

For the last two weeks I’ve been listening to all of these bands from my junior high-school – university years, just to ingest that unsettling feeling of discomfort. I missed it.

Surprisingly, the fear of getting older reveals new anxiety that is hidden inside me.

I’m in between rebelling against adulthood and secretly nodded to the idea of being a grown-up. And I think it’s okay.

Don’t you feel life is getting smaller? Your life has become this scrutinized routine, measured journey with the aim of certainty. I don’t know if that is what supposed to happen but it doesn’t feel right.

Don’t you feel nowadays, human connection is rarely found? Cherished, deep conversation is a luxury, people are drowned with self-glorification, through screens. Or probably I demand more of that, instead of instant encounters.

I hate it that whoring for digital acknowledgement is widely accepted, and our existence is legitimized by likes, loves and other phony metrics.

Look at me being Mr. wise ass about digital while working at tech. Oh the irony.

Jakarta is eating our time for lunch and empathy for dinner.

I travel, go to places, see people just to find myself. Planes, airports, visa, hotels, taxis, and myself.

I am afraid that my life is pointless, and I contribute nothing. There are so many things in my head, and my heart that I want to share with the world.

People who find me complicated and not easy to deal with are usually shallow and boring.

I keep thinking that we’re running out of time, from I don’t know what.

This anxiety is like a drug for me, a slap in the face that keeps me going but in the same time stops me from being the best version of me. It’s like KFC, you know it is not healthy but you keep ordering it.

People tell me that you can’t please everyone. Are you relevant to other people? Do you think you’re a good person? I often ask these to myself.

Are we running out of friends? Am I a good friend? What is the definition of a good friend anyway?

I am puzzled with how people change, even those who you spent half your life with could be changed to this complete stranger with super different moral values

Madrim told me that I’m a cusp, a mix between Cancer and Leo (read: an introvert  shy guy and an extrovert asshole) and I think for the past 4 years I have finally discovered my introvert personality and slowly drifted to that side. I hate it when I cannot balance the dynamics, and end up sounding/acting like a complete idiot.

I used to think that I understand myself 100%, turned out I know nothing about myself.

I am over thinking the fact that I am an over-thinker.

I think me and Madrim met at the perfect time in our lives, and both of us now are in a healthier place emotionally.

Meanwhile most people around me in Indonesia only perceive health as something that is physical, something that is visually tangible, when mental illness is actually as important. I think we Indonesians are not used to be more transparent talking about this issue. Vulnerability doesn’t always mean weakness, you know.

Madrim gives me a sense of purpose, which is a monumental discovery for a guy like me. I think this is also part of becoming an adult. I think at some point in life you have to stop wandering, and having her with me, I kinda feel like a have a destination.

I can see my family is trying to “express things my way” to show that they care but idk why it’s hard from my side to digest things sincerely. I guess we speak the diff language (figuratively) but I really-really see they’re trying and it makes me mad sometimes that I can’t respond properly to them.

I am more and more becoming like my dad, and that is fucking scary. I used to debate him and now I am slowing becoming him. Life is weird.

Saving money is harder than making money. I also hate the idea of saving money because it seems like you’re getting ready for the “the real life”.

Another thing I also learned: the best investment is the one that is directed to human beings, not objects.

I slowly find the ideal way to compromise with things that I dislike. I think as part of growing up, you have to be able to pick your fight in order to save energy and be more strategic, literally in everything. In this case, less is more.

I have passed that phase in your life where you’re still feel insecure about yourself so you try too hard to make a statement about who you are, things that you do etc. Srsly IDGAF anymore, I don’t need to prove anything to anyone and life is short so deal with it.

Life is a big beautiful mess, I am grateful but unsatisfied, tired but perfectly excited.

Tokyo – July 26th 2017

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